Death and Writing

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I’ve lain awake at night for 2 months unable to sleep because my mind keeps turning over all the horrible events that occurred in my family after my dad died.  I tell myself to be positive, I meditate and yet I lie there unable to rest or sleep because my mind has become a cesspool of what could be vs. what is.

I know with funerals, there is often that one person or one group of persons who just can’t be civil.  Maybe they are looking to confirm in death what they didn’t have in life or maybe it’s their last hoorah.  Maybe they wanted to dance on the grave of that person or maybe they are just insecure greedy jerks.  I don’t know, but my mind feels like a never-ending newspaper of words running amuck through a stopped up toilet.  Chug, chug, chug… gurgle gurgle… OVERFLOW!  The words are spooling, stewing and stinking…  I can’t find a topic.  What is the point of all those thoughts?  What is the point of raising $10,000 to help and refuse to help while demanding to receive accolades for raising money?  Why not give the money towards the funeral or ask what to do?  What was the real intended purpose?  Evil?  I never met anyone who did fund-raising who focused on getting credit for their efforts while refusing to acknowledge or respond to the many helpers along the way or state any total amounts.  Don’t get me started on the rude comments and accusations made to the helpers and public in general that made the unfortunate truth far more clear that any crappy Facebook post I made.

Will they care about dragging the family through hell or making themselves look so horrid?  I dont’ think so.  I think they just wanted to keep the money to use for their own purposes and cut out family relationships they secretly hated for 40 years.  That’s about the sum of it.  That would be the end of it if this person hadn’t gone on to a whisper campaign to drive a wedge between other family members.  What’s the point of all that negativity?  I had to stop …. I found myself feeling pity for this person.

This person seems to have felt unloved and insecure their whole life and likely blamed their parents for their misery.  Granted our dad was far from perfect, but then I never got to let this person know how sad he was all those times they didn’t come around and how hurtful that was.

Then I remembered my father calling me and giving me some very specific advice about this person.  I’ve never heard him so upset and I think it was the first time he actually yelled at me.  His directive was clear and specific and permanent; and this persons’ actions have made me realize that we are all probably better off without their negative outlook and pitiful insecurities.  We surely can never trust their intentions again.  Still, this is family and the better nature of myself would rather think that this person loved all of their family and their concerns with Dad’s last moments were not to use him for financial gain.  But they did.

And so any resolution is up to them.  It was their choice to use Dad’s illness for personal financial gain.  It was their choice to behave as though “credit” for action has more value than action or intent.  It was their choice to remove their self from our lives.  It was their choice to lie and mislead and manipulate.  It was their choice to call all over the city for a dead body as though we’d stolen dad.  It was their choice to try to get people kicked out of the funeral.   Yes, they called other family member who called us and screamed at us about details that didn’t matter.  They called the medical examiner, the hospital, the funeral home and the police on us ignoring that when he died, the hospital required us to make decisions within hours.  This persons actions & choices are awful…. along with death, their desires arrived like a dark, green thunder cloud that’s about to spawn a tornado and rip everything apart.

And now I know this person and understand my fathers words far better than I ever imagined I would.  Dad said “I mean it, for the rest of your life and don’t forget, do you hear me?”   He knew then what she would seek to do long before she did it.  Their actions left the imprint of the cold, misery that surely infests their heart.  For what soul could claim to love anyone of us and wreak such havoc? Will karma have her children be as kind to her  with her finances and health n her old age?

Oh what a wicked web she weaved when first she practiced to deceive.  Shall I cover my ears to hear the next such piteous event?  I don’t know.  I’m reading David Kessler and Louise Hay’s new book “You Can Heal Your Heart“.  I certainly need the wisdom and the healing.  I lost half my family when Dad died.  I’m over the shock of the antics.  I kept thinking this person would surely realize our value and decide love and peace were more valuable than the awful things they did.

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